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So exhausted and wide awake...

Poor abandoned Live Journal. I'm back. A lot has changed since the last post when I was rambling on about another ego boost/overidealized infatuation. I moved back in September. And I'm doing better in my new environment. Sure, it's flat and the people here are pretty conservative, but it's safe and there's something very familiar about it. ;-) I needed to be pulled away from the geographical emotional mess I've lived in for the past 5 years. I've learned so much about myself and without sounding to "woofty", I'm proud of myself for the first time in a long time. I'm taking care of me, looking out for me and nurturing me. Which is what I needed to be doing all along. I'm not going to try to fool anybody or myself into thinking all of my co-dependency and other character flaws were wiped away over night. They weren't. Nor is my self-esteem completely intact. (was it ever really there?) But (here's the but) I'm on my way, folks. Age 25 hit and I'm starting to see the bigger picture and starting to become more self aware. Sure I've been aware in the past and was able to identify a lot of my "stuff", but it's like that awareness is manifesting..and I'm able to use it as a tool.

I'm ready for more. I want more. I don't want to have my esteem hinged upon something or someone else. I don't want to let anybody have that kind of power over me ever again. I want good things for myself and I want to be around people who support these good, healthy things. Whatever these "things" may be...

thank you for all of this...

I've still got it.

Okay, I need to regain my composure. So, lastnight, I was working the front desk and I was in my usual blah state when I looked up and was face to face with this cutie pie-chic lesbian standing on the other side of the buttermints.  She was about 5'4", short, styled dark black hair, little glasses, bermuda shorts and a decent sized chest. She asked if we had any vacancy and I had just told the person walking in...just before her that we were sold out. Obviously, I was almost stupid and told her that we were sold out...but I immediately changed my tune when I realized how frickin' cute she was. Ugh. I stumbled over my words "uhhh...mmmm....yeah....we have a couple rooms that we keep as just incase rooms...but I'm sure it won't be a problem to put you in one of those." My inner dialogue is like "okay, you sound like an idiot."

Anyway, in the midst of me falling all over myself, I was trying so hard to keep it cool and not blush or stumble over my words. Trying not to only makes you appear more stiff and uncomfortable...as an FYI. I got her name in the computer, along with her address and then almost laughed when she put her place of residence as "Beaverton". I told my aunt this later and she's like "Uh, is that like a pick up line?" Good one, Corky!
I felt awkward asking her for her phone number to put into the computer. I was impressed that she actually had a Triple A card! She kept giving me great eye contact which was unnerving and exciting. And I noticed her carefully studying me, I don't miss much.

After she leaves, I go running into the back and exhale and tell the laundry girl, Megan about the whole interaction and how hot she is. She's like "Oh Jayme!" I go into the bathroom, re-zhoozh my hair a bit, make sure I don't have anything in my teeth. Then Megan is standing there when I come out of the bathroom and she tells me that she just talked to her and that she was looking around for me when she came out.  I was like "whatever! she was not!" and then Liz also confirms this (the other front desk worker). She's like "Yeah, I was on the phone and she came around the corner, looked at me, then Megan and then craned her head around the corner to see where you were. I'm practically exploding at this point. "Really?!" She asked where the Cracker Barrel was apparently. What's also interesting is how she didn't use the side door exits...she only used the front door, which would walk right past me. 

Then this morning she came down to eat breakfast (I did a back to back shift) and she greeted me very formally. Then my aunt called me at work and pretended to be a guest looking for 6 rooms. lol! And she could totally overhear my conversation. Then, I felt like she was lingering...eating really slowly, making sure she sampled everything, used the bathroom, so I was like "Corky, I gotta go." I was getting the vibe that she wanted to say goodbye or something. I hung up, sure enough she waltzed over to the front desk and asked about the fires and told me she was headed to Oregon from Connecticut. I was a little more helpful than I needed to be and offered to call and check the road reports...even though we both knew that I-90 was open! She gratefully accepted my offer...then I noticed she was wearing a decent smelling perfume, not a tacky smelling perfume...then she told me about her move from Connecticut to Oregon...probably with some other woman. Oh well....

Anyway, it was a pretty flattering experience. I felt pretty good about it.

Past, Present, Future....Tarot.

Nine of Swords - Reversed
in the Past position.

A card in the left position indicates what has happened to affect your question in the past.

Shame. An imposter. A state of denial. Unrequited love. Cruel gossip.

Justice - Reversed
in the Present position.

A card in the middle position indicates what is affecting your question at this time.

Injustice. Dishonesty. False charge or witness. Poor judgment. Prejudice. Denying the truth and real motivations. Cowardice. Forsaking justice. Abuse. Corruption. Obstruction of justice. Entanglement of legalities. Perversion of justice. Giving into popular opinion and forsaking truth. Past sins come home to roost.

Knight of Pentacles
in the Future position.

A card in the right position indicates your questions future.

Hardworking young man with a traditional, orthodox outlook. Utility. An honest, responsible person. Solid progress. Methodical approach to large goals. Financial consultant. Commitment, perseverance, and stamina. A dependable man, if considered a little dull.

Interesting. *Bold denotes the things that I strongly agree with.

In "Love" With a Strict Machine

So, I did end up calling her, the Physicians Assistant, that is. She told me that she'd love to have coffee with me. We did this past Saturday. It was electric.
I'm so confused about my feelings. My feelings wax and wane. One minute, I totally just want to platonically love her and support her. Then the next I can't stop thinking about her lips and her beauty (inside and out). I have a difficult time giving her eye contact. I was fidgeting through the first half hour of coffee and she knew. All she could do was smile from ear to ear. I love her, I am certain of this.

I get high on a buzz
Then a rush when I'm plugged in you
I connect
When I'm flush
You get love when told what to do

Wonderful electric
Wonderful electric
Wonderful electric
Cover me in you

I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love with a strict machine

I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love with a strict machine

When you send me a pulse
Feel a wave of new love
Through me
I'm dressed in white noise
You know just what I want
So please

Wonderful electric
Wonderful electric
Wonderful electric
Cover me in you

I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love with a strict machine

I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love with a strict machine

Strict Machine: GoldFrapp

Neglected LiveJournal

Wow. Longtime no post. It's been a while. I think I mainly didn't post anything for a while because I allowed myself to enter into a relationship with that one person...yes, I hate to even name her. That's how much I despise her. Frankly, If she fell off a cliff and died on impact, I'd probably be okay with that. (apologies to my Buddhist friend) No left over feelings whatsoever. That bridge is burned forever.

On a happier note...I'm really starting to trim down again. This feels really good. I went for a walk in the rattlesnake today (it was pretty icy) but oh my god it was beautiful! So, I'm trying to figure out if I believe in "Soul Mates" or not. I generally think that's a cheesy term and a tad cliche. I don't think a soul mate necessarily has to be your "lover". So, I met somebody that potentially seems like a "soul mate". She was one of the  doctors at the clinic...anyway...it was pretty overwhelming. We were finishing eachother's sentences by the end of my exam. She also kept me in her office talking for an extra half hour...until the nurse was looking for both of us. I asked her when her birthday was she said "July 20" and I said "Oh, that makes sense". She then asked my DOB and she goes "Yeah, that DOES make sense...I have a moon in Scorpio." and I was floored that she knew where her moon placement was AND that my moon happens to be in the exact degree as her sun sign. It's what you call a "double whammy" astrologically. My moon is conjunct her sun and my sun is conjunct her moon. I've never experienced this before. I had a difficult time giving her eye contact and it was mutual.

After I left the exam room, we kept looking at eachother from across the room. Holy Fuck. Later she came and found me in my room to say goodbye to me and said she'd like to go to coffee sometime. Then she gave me her phone number and said that she normally doesn't give her number out to patients "but sometimes you just gotta" (in her Ohio accent). I'm debating on whether or not to call her. I really, really want to. So, I've decided to wait a while before I call. That was a total "wow, what happened there?" I will admit, I was beaming after that whole happening. I can't figure out if I'm attracted to her or if I just want her to 'mom' me a bit. I haven't had feelings like this for a long time.

Done Wrong

The wind is ruthless
The trees shake angry fingers at the sky
The people hunch their shoulders
Hold their collars over their earsand run by
Its a cold rain
Its a hard rain
Like the kind that you find in songs
I guess that makes methe jerk with the heartache
Here to sing youabout how Ive been done wrong

And I am sitting, watching
Out the window of the coffee shop
And I am waiting, waiting
Waiting for it to let up
I am rocking like a cradle
Warming my hands with the cup in between
I am leaning over the table
Holding my face over the steam

And before it gets so cold
That the rain turns to snow
Theres just a couple things
Id like to know

Like how could you do nothing
And say, Im doing my best
How could you take almost everything
And then come back for the rest
How could you beg me to stay,
Reach out your hands and plead
And then pack up your eyes and run away
As soon as I agreed

It just all slips
Away so slowly
You dont even notice till youve lost a lot
Ive been like one of those zombies
In vegas
Pouring quarters into a slot
And now Im tired
And I am broke
And I feel stupid and I feel used
And Im at the end of my little rope
And I am swinging back and forth
About you

Before it gets so cold
That the rain turns to snow
Theres just a couple things
Id like to know

Like how could you do nothing
And say, Im doing my best
How could you take almost everything
And then come back for the rest
How could you beg me to stay,
Reach out your hands and plead
And then pack up your eyes and run away
As soon as I agreed

DUI Scare.

Okay, I pretty much just had the living shit scared out of me.  I went over to my best friend, Sarah's house and we chatted and had a martini. I had one shot in my martini and then after the martini we watched an hour and half movie, The Ringer. I was falling asleep through some of it and it ended around 1am. On my way home I was two blocks from my parents house and I see a cop car pass by and then it flips a bitch. I start panicking and pressing harder to get home. He turns on his lights and I pull over. He comes up to the window...I slyly put my seatbelt on. I'm terrible with that. He asks for my license, registration and proof of insurance. (I don't have insurance on my vehicle...Amy so graciously cancelled my plan, but I still had the old card and it worked). He went back to his vehicle and all I can think of is having my name in the paper for a DUI. He was very friendly and told me that he pulled me over for having a headlight out. He let me off with a warning. Oh, thank you, God. I probably metabolized all of the vodka the minute I saw him flip a bitch. I'm convinced somebody is watching out for me in this dept. I was pulled over in November of 2004 for going 95mph in a 75mph zone. I should've had a ticket. It happened to be November the 6th, my birthday and he said something like "Don't let anybody tell you that we're cold hearted assholes...slow down...and Happy Birthday." I didn't tell him it was my birthday. Honest!

My femme stage.

I was digging through some of my grandma's old photos and I found this picture she took of me on my first day of college. I was 18 at the time. 

Stolen From Auzzy

Analytical Andriods Are About!
If you leave a comment requesting a quick analysis, I will respond to you about the following..

1. I'll respond with something random I like about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3: I'll name something we should do together.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me (or just me).
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll leave you a quote that is somehow appropriate to you.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal so you can do the same for other people.

Bitch Magazine...

"..." = Paraphrased from Bitch Magazine

"Paris Hilton appears indiscriminately drawn to the sound of any camera shutter, compulsively striking the same self-satisfied pose for everyone from Vogue to Star, and courting personality-based publicity while producing no notable work."

There's an article on "Cultural Complicity in Celebrity Narcissism." Very good shit. I couldn't put the magazine down the whole time I was dropping a deuce.

It talks about how we feed the regressing celebs or "unlicked or overlicked cubs" by showing them attention and reinforcing their behavior be it negative or positive. For example, more people heard about Russell Crowe's Phone Tantrum than they viewed Cinderella Man. Or how VH1 takes the celebs whos careers are in the TOILET and they display them at their most desperate..looking for any kind of attention to keep their inflated sense of self...inflated. "Each season offers us the spectacle of narcissists exploding (the rageful response) and imploding (the depressive response) in reaction to evidence of their diminished importance." Take for example that ass clown, Janice Dickinson. The ass hole who kept incessantly saying "I'm the World's First Super Model."

This made me laugh!

"Admit it, it was good, mean fun watching endless reruns of Tom Cruises careuflly constructed self contained, macho boy-next-door veneer finally cracking in public, not once (couch jumping on Oprah), not twice ("Matt, Matt, you're glib"), but repeatedly (from macking on Katie Holmes to skewering Brooke Shields to his self-declared extensive knowledge of the history of pscychiatry). Good show, Tom. Much better than War of the Worlds."

"Diddy's interpretation of his MTV awards-hosting task was constantly filtered through himself: Here's why I like this artist. Let's give it up for my mother and children. There's my name in 10-foot letters. Cheer for me in a staged Dance off."

They also talked about Live Journalers and/or webcamers. "This spiraling relationship between exhibitionist and voyeur isn't a phenomenon limited to celebrity culture." Apparently, I'm a bit of a narcissist as well. I've never read a bitch article so thoroughly..maybe because I relate a little too well to both sides. I can think of countless times I sat around watching the Surreal Life and just loved building up a whole dog shit pile of hostility towards Omarosa and Janice Dickinson as well as other voyeuristic shows. Hey, I'm not pointing fingers. I'm guilty of this shit! Not only do I have a Live Journal, but I have a Myspace, A Facebook page, A connexion page and a webcam...all of which have pictures for others to view. Maybe I'll tone it down a notch.